How do you cope after realizing that you are almost a murderer? How do you get up again after you all but killed someone, how do you look into the eyes of the people you love? After you in cold-blooded purpose almost tore the head off of somebody who isn't even your enemy, but someone on your side who just happened to get into your way? How do you live with yourself after you realize that you are a monster?
Lying on his back and staring up at the roof Ciomny could find no answer to these questions. He existed yes, but as the memories of the encounter repeated themselves all over in his head, with the feeling of death creeping up on him, the mist of madness drowning his head, the scream of that poor girl as he sunk his teeth into her shoulder, the feeling of bones crushing beneeth his jaws like crackers... He could feel nothing but disgust over himself, fear of what he might do the next time, and then what?
He could never be a soldier, he knew that. He even hated hurting people as he healed them, and the idea of going into battle was just terrifying. He had no idea how real fighters did this, how they kept on going, knowing what they had done to not just one person, but hundreds of creatures. How did you justify your own actions? How did you give yourself the right to kill anything, so you could once again hold your head high when you returned home? How could you say that your goals was worth their sacrifice?
The roof still gave no answer.
He would never call himself more important than anyone, never say that his life had more value than others. Sure there was people he loved and would rather have living than compleate strangers, but that didn't give him the right to go through with it. Because everyone mattered to someone...
At least he knew who mattered most to himself. And the thought of her was comforting.
Sitting up he realized he had most likely not told her, at least not recently. And now was probably not the best time to do so, but when then? When he was home and could pretend this had never happened? When everything went back to being easy?
Searching around the room until he found the paper and pencil he needed he didn't even pause to think over what he should write;
I am so sorry for the ways we parted, you know I never meant to hurt you. Nor diappoint you, or ever let you feel lonely, or make you beleive that you mattered less than anyone.
I doubt you would believe me if I told you what this place has done to me, what I am turning into, but at least I know this much now;
It might be my goal and hopes that keeps me moving foreward, but it is the thought of you waiting at home for me that even keeps me sane.
You can't move foreward if you don't have something to stand on, something to push your feet against to gain momentum, and I can honestly say that without you I'd live in a vaccume.
You asked me if I could change? I would, if you still love me for who I am when I do. To be honest, I don't know what I would tell you if you asked me who I am now. I barely know what.
I don't think you would ask me to leave anyone to die as I just walk away, please don't ever do that, but if you want me to return I will. I could never intentionally do anything that would cause you harm, but I know I might have by mistake. I just beg that you one day might be able to forgive me.
Once I see you again I will let you decide what the future should be, for I do not trust myself with that anymore. If you do not let me be part of it, would you then at least let me keep you in mind to make myself survive this place?
Now he had to just find some way to get this letter out of the Tower of Madness and on its way to where it was meant to...